the day the music died

a day to remember (for it's extreme highs and lows)

overall exHAUSTing. after staying up way too late, the day started bleary-eyed with sad tragic horrible news about the incredibly wonderful Dre. shit. Dear God please tell me it's not true. I'm still incredulous with shock and dismay. I don't even know how to let it sink in. I shirk the feelings. It hurts too much. And it makes me damn angry and furious. It's like Will all over again and I'm damn pissed off. How come none of us knew? How come he didn't ask for help? What could have been so wrong that he would want to stop living? SHIT. I can't even process this mess. The afternoon brought business and the long-awaited concert in GGP. Finally saw Beck live (OMG a life-long dream fulfilled, much like seeing volcanoes NP in Hawaii) and Radiohead at Outside Lands fest with Anna and Deanna. Much more to come. It was fabulous. Beck was intimate, we were close to the stage. He rocked so hard but it was much too short. Radiohead also killed, but the crowd was intense and thick. I enjoyed it until i remembered that Dre is dead, and this recollection pierced me, and i was deflated, sick. The realization washed over me with a deep chill and descended upon me with that thick Outer Sunset fog. I feel so conflicted and devastated. Angry and ill. Disbelief and dismay.
Yet, just like I pushed back against the jostling crowd pressing me hard, let me lean back into You, Lord, rather than far far away, which is my first instinct. To run far far away from my grief and the reality and Your unfathomable truth and plan. Help me to lean INTO the pain and violent tide, hideous though it may be, into You, rather than fleeing into the arms of the world's pleasurable distractions. I don't want to cope with this. Heal heal heal me, us, God, please. You have GOT to be kidding me that this happened. I can't deal.

Why does shit like this happen? Makes me think everything under the sun is meaningless, a chasing after the wind.

Ecclesiastes 1

Everything Is Meaningless

1 The words of the Teacher, ^[a] son of David, king in Jerusalem:

2 "Meaningless! Meaningless!"
says the Teacher.
"Utterly meaningless!
Everything is meaningless."

3 What does man gain from all his labor
at which he toils under the sun?

4 Generations come and generations go,
but the earth remains forever.

5 The sun rises and the sun sets,
and hurries back to where it rises.

6 The wind blows to the south
and turns to the north;
round and round it goes,
ever returning on its course.

7 All streams flow into the sea,
yet the sea is never full.
To the place the streams come from,
there they return again.

8 All things are wearisome,
more than one can say.
The eye never has enough of seeing,
nor the ear its fill of hearing.

9 What has been will be again,
what has been done will be done again;
there is nothing new under the sun.

10 Is there anything of which one can say,
"Look! This is something new"?
It was here already, long ago;
it was here before our time.

11 There is no remembrance of men of old,
and even those who are yet to come
will not be remembered
by those who follow.

Wisdom Is Meaningless

12 I, the Teacher, was king over Israel in Jerusalem. 13 I devoted myself to study and to explore by wisdom all that is done under heaven. What a heavy burden God has laid on men! 14 I have seen all the things that are done under the sun; all of them are meaningless, a chasing after the wind.

15 What is twisted cannot be straightened;
what is lacking cannot be counted.

16 I thought to myself, "Look, I have grown and increased in wisdom more than anyone who has ruled over Jerusalem before me; I have experienced much of wisdom and knowledge." 17 Then I applied myself to the understanding of wisdom, and also of madness and folly, but I learned that this, too, is a chasing after the wind.

18 For with much wisdom comes much sorrow;
the more knowledge, the more grief.