from Magical Thinking
And there's something about him that I am so drawn to, like he possesses some unknown force that causes me to cling to him. Is it because I want to figure him out? Is it because he never pressures me about anything? Is it because I can be false with him and hold back my facts or because I can tell him everything and in the end there is no difference?...
But tonight... it's different. Something in the world feels supernaturally askew. As though something in space has shifted, creating a rare opening. I come home and feel the distinct sensation of complete peace. I am exactly, absolutely, perfectly okay. At the same time, I know I could easily topple the feeling. It's like I am balancing a china plate on my head.. It is not something I have ever felt before, yet it feels more comfortable than anything I can name... I am not going to rush this. I am not going to write this. I am not going to force this...
I watch him in the kitchen and I think of how much it hurts to love somebody. How deep the hurt is, how almost unbearable. It's not the love that hurts; it's the possibility of anything happening to the object of your love...
What's painful and wonderful about loving somebody is loving their small things, like the way he is able to smile when he sips his wine, the way his hands fall down at his sides, fingers..... has no bad qualities and no faults... I try and make even a small list in my mind of his faults: Things I Put Up With Out of Love. But I haven't bee able to think of a single thing that I am not able to first overlook and then come to cherish... Unconditional love. That's what this is. I love him, as is, fully. I've had to stop arm wrestling with the facts. Why me?...I've had to stop trying to look for cracks and flaws .... Even when we fight, we fight inside the container of good... Damaged but invigorated and f-ing lucky....
In exchange, I get unlimited access to the one person I have met in my life whom I automatically felt was out of my league. My favorite human being, the single person I cherish above all others. This is the person I get to share the oxygen in the room with. ....
But tonight... it's different. Something in the world feels supernaturally askew. As though something in space has shifted, creating a rare opening. I come home and feel the distinct sensation of complete peace. I am exactly, absolutely, perfectly okay. At the same time, I know I could easily topple the feeling. It's like I am balancing a china plate on my head.. It is not something I have ever felt before, yet it feels more comfortable than anything I can name... I am not going to rush this. I am not going to write this. I am not going to force this...
I watch him in the kitchen and I think of how much it hurts to love somebody. How deep the hurt is, how almost unbearable. It's not the love that hurts; it's the possibility of anything happening to the object of your love...
What's painful and wonderful about loving somebody is loving their small things, like the way he is able to smile when he sips his wine, the way his hands fall down at his sides, fingers..... has no bad qualities and no faults... I try and make even a small list in my mind of his faults: Things I Put Up With Out of Love. But I haven't bee able to think of a single thing that I am not able to first overlook and then come to cherish... Unconditional love. That's what this is. I love him, as is, fully. I've had to stop arm wrestling with the facts. Why me?...I've had to stop trying to look for cracks and flaws .... Even when we fight, we fight inside the container of good... Damaged but invigorated and f-ing lucky....
In exchange, I get unlimited access to the one person I have met in my life whom I automatically felt was out of my league. My favorite human being, the single person I cherish above all others. This is the person I get to share the oxygen in the room with. ....
posted by marcelle at
11:34 PM
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