I'm not entirely sure what God sees when He looks at me. I've been running from him for so long, driven by pain and a sense of abandonment. I'm starting to want him back at the center of my life, but I don't know where to begin or how to pray. I feel like I'm supposed to feel guilty and confess my 'sinful' wanderings, but my heart is so wounded and I don't necessarily feel sorry for anything. I did the best I knew at the time, and surely he understands that? Or did I? How can I know? I know I've been running from God, and I don't always want him around even still. Being good and doing the right thing is not very much fun, and the results right now seem so small compared to much faith/trust/waiting required. But I've felt empty and lost for some time, even as I filled my heart with other good things that made me feel super alive while they lasted. I was naive and swept up after being wounded and isolated. So I did the things I did. And now it's lame that I come to God once the good things fall apart, but I am. Because I know deep down that it is where I belong. I feel it sometimes at church or listening to music or running outside. I want to be close to Him again. But I don't know how. Cause I don't know how to trust Him when the things He calls me to are difficult, seemingly unnatural, certainly counter-cultural, and still guarantee no protection from pain and being deeply hurt by the misdeeds of others. Certainly my prior view of God was immature, and I am only now learning what any of this faith/belief stuff really means, or starting to.