"Well, but please, Daddy, do not forget: in the first place, He had sent me the measles."

So I DO NOT understand the things God allows into our lives. It still seems easier to not believe in Him than to reconcile that He is, but allows horrific tragedy to occur in the face of His omnipotence. And this is one of those unresolvable issues in my life that I will attempt to "suspend" for the time being. It's not the first, and it won't be the last. And it isn't always in relation to God, but in relation to other people, to a truth that is impossible to ascertain, to the flawed nature of my human companions...

But here's what I do have: Jesus's life, death, resurrection. What do they mean? What can I gather from these. I am so over textbook Sunday school answers. But I saw a powerful Easter play last weekend. It covered Jesus' life from the initiation of his ministry, to his ascension and the promise that one day there will be no more death or mourning or sadness or pain, and that God will wipe away every tear from their eyes (and the way my heart longs for this made my eyes swell with tears..) Many scenes were enacted in a way that was powerful and made me think about my state.

Lazarus: the women came to Jesus telling him how very sick his friend Lazarus was, pleading with him to come quickly, or Lazarus would surely die. Jesus essentially said, go on back, I'll come later, he'll be fine. The women return in mourning clothes to tell him that Lazarus has died. "WHERE WERE YOU TEACHER!!" they exclaim. If you had only been there!! WHY DIDN'T YOU COME??? And Jesus says that it is for the glory of God that it is being done this way. WTF does that mean??? Woah. What is this "glory of God" and why is it the supreme goal?? All I know, is that Jesus goes and raises Lazarus from the dead, after being in the tomb for 3+ smelly days. He did not prevent the pain and death from occurring, but he redeemed and made it whole again.

Then there's Jesus' own death/resurrection: Though most of his followers fled in the heat of the crucifixion, one of my favorite scenes was when Jesus was buried in the tomb, and the few that remained his followers are sitting around in a circle lamenting, how can this be? How can the Messiah be killed?? How can he be the Messiah... and yet I KNOW that he is! How can this be? WTF are we supposed to believe now?? And then the does, he resurrects from the dead. And you know what, he still has nail marks in his hands. It's not as if God erases all the pain and suffering as if it never happened. But he redeems and makes whole and beautiful again what once appeared completely hopelessly stone cold dead, showing that when it looked the most lost and hopeless, He was actually doing something profoundly redemptive.

And I guess these stories speak to me in my pain and suffering and hopelessness. I don't know why He didn't take that cup from Jesus, the one that Jesus was sobbing and pleading with His father in Gethsemane to take from Him, if there was ANY other way, and then crying out to his Father on the cross "WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME". I don't know why Jesus didn't go and prevent Lazarus from dying in the first place, except for "God's glory". Woah. But I know that he will make things right. That he can put back together the brokenness. Not make it go away or come undone. But heal it. And then one day it will surely be like a bad dream, once in that place where all tears are wiped away. And so I pray, "Come Lord Jesus". And please hurry up.